Hey Reader,

It's been almost 2 weeks since I've written you. And it really doesn't feel like it. But that revealed an important lesson for me that I want to share with you this week.

Last night, I was attending a men's circle. If you're not familiar, it's a private and confidential space where men can speak with each other about their feelings and challenges, in a space that feels well held for honesty, community, non-judgement, and reflection.

(Women's circles are the same, just for women, of course. And I highly encourage more men to find such spaces too, so I love that men's circles and retreats are becoming more common. But I digress.)

While the content of our discussions are of course confidential, I can share a concept we workshopped that I think everyone needs to understand.

What are your non-negotiable, unalterable, Terms?

A "Term" in this context comes from life coach and menswork author Wayne Levine to describe the principles you live by, consciously or unconsciously. Something where you draw a line, and choose to follow that principle strictly.

Examples might be "I always treat strangers with respect," or "I exercise for 1 hour every day without fail," or "I do not outsource my self-worth to others."

Let me be clear: I think absolutely anyone, of any identity, can apply this principle. And I have a few more perspectives for you to add layers to this concept. (Then we can discuss what to practically apply in our lives.)

Now, by this definition of a "term", we may unconsciously have a lot of unhelpful terms. In other words, if we act like one of our principles is, for example, to "always be hard on ourselves", then it may as well be a term that our brain is unwilling to stop. And so, we may continue beating ourselves up, self-sabotaging unconsciously.

So what happens when we create the discipline to consciously decide our helpful terms, and make them non-negotiable and unalterable?

And what happens when we become consciously aware of our unhelpful terms, that we've been accidentally living our lives by without awareness, and choose to do something about them?

Before I answer that, let me add a couple of layers to this framework to give you a richer perspective.

When I was 19, I started reading Steven Covey. His 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, while now being a little bit of an older book, is a classic for a reason. I was introduced to the idea that, if we reverse engineered from the end of our lives, what principles would we really have wanted to live by? What would we want people to know us for?

To live by that vision, he recommends setting out principles - character traits, values, and ways of living - that you want to commit to living your life by. Then, we can create a "personal mission statement", which is a statement, long or short, writing out those commitments to yourself.

I did that for a few years, and I like the model, though honestly I would sometimes fall off the commitment. Life would get in the way.

Then many years later, I learned about another layer, which turned that basic principle into something totally, which worked a lot better for me: Rules.

Setting yourself Rules is a concept that says "We don't like following other people's rules, but they do largely work. So if there are rules that you set for yourself, and therefore do want to follow, they'll work even better."

When I learned about this, I set about writing out rules I wanted to live by. Now, a couple of years later I have about 40 of them. (That might honestly be too many - you do what's right for you.)

Some examples are "Start your day right", "Flow like water", and "Be the 2%." Many of mine are about respect, empathy, and how I treat others.

And because they're written out as rules I need to follow, the child-like part of my brain will take them more seriously. It was seriously powerful when combined with my values / mission statement.

So now, let's add the layer of non-negotiable, unalterable, Terms.

When you:

1. Set yourself non-negotiables,
2. And treat them as rules that you must follow,
3. Paired with a clear compass for your life...

Then you build a bulletproof mindset and set an incredible standard for discipline in your life.

You have to start somewhere though.

To use myself as an example: I said at the beginning of this email that it's been almost 2 weeks since I've written to you. But I want one of my lines for discipline to be about writing a certain amount - at least an hour a day, at least 5 days per week. So that is something I want to commit to, with you as my witness.

So, where are you going to start?

My recommendation if you want to keep it simple, is to reflect: What are your non-negotiables?

They don't need to be finalised terms or rules yet.

But what are you not willing to compromise on, if you're living to your best standard? Is it the way you treat others, or are treated by others, or how you treat yourself? Or something else?

Start brainstorming that. You can do that now, even for just 5 minutes.

Then, do Steven Covey's "funeral exercise": Visualise your own funeral. People are around the coffin, crying, and sharing eulogies about what they loved about you. What are they saying? How are they feeling now that you're gone? What do you want them to be remembering you for, and saying about you?

It may be about how you always smiled, how caring you were, how passionate you were... what primary things come to mind that you want them to remember being impacted by you?

With the basic foundation of your non-negotiables...

And that clear long-term vision about your character...

You can really get started living, each and every day, as the person that will create your greatest life.

I wonder how much incredible change that will unlock for you, Reader.

Wishing you lots of love and success!

Seven

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