Hey Reader,

Last week, I ran a version of my Energy Reset event, which seems to be becoming an annual occasion. We were at a wonderful stage at Barclays bank in central London, which has been a plan for almost 6 months, though only in the calendar for about 5 weeks. And coming up to the event, I found myself quite concerned with what the turnout would be.

I wanted to put as much work as possible into marketing and reaching out to my network to invite people to this event. When things didn't go my way - whether before the event or on the day - I felt myself getting tighter and wanting to control those details. I noticed agitation when I couldn't get my way.

And the event actually went really well. It was fun, people gave me good feedback, and our panel shared a lot of amazing insight. I was pretty happy with it.

But the mind comes up with its own stories. Mine was that I wouldn't be good enough or successful enough if a certain number of people didn't attend.

"Because we're spending so much energy worrying about what might go wrong, if we don't control, we'll lose even more energy!", the mind thinks.

There's a saying: "You cannot control the ocean but you can learn to surf its waves."

Yet we try to anyway. And it's exhausting.

Some common examples off the top of my head of fears we want to control, are:

• What will they think of me?
• What will happen if X happens or Y doesn't happen?
• What will happen to me if this goes wrong?
• They'll never accept or like me if...
• They'll keep treating me like this if...
• I'll never catch a break unless...
• What if I'm not good enough?

Those thoughts drain your energy like crazy.

So trying to control all the details is like your brain's unconscious way of clawing back that energy you spent doing all that fearing and worrying.

And that's just physical control. We also often try to control other people, in subtler ways, mentally and emotionally.

As part of my work, I've studied manipulation, and it's something very, very unconsciously present all around us, unfortunately.

My favorite simple model for understanding this comes from a book released in the early 90s called The Celestine Prophecy. In short, it outlines 4 types of reactive behavior - what the author calls "control dramas" - that people use to get energy from others:

• The intimidator - Uses anger, threats, and physical or verbal dominance to scare others into paying attention. This forces the victim to give up their energy out of fear.
• The interrogator - Uses continuous questioning, criticism, and judgment to undermine others. This forces the victim to constantly monitor their own actions and explain themselves, transferring their focus and energy to the Interrogator.
• The aloof - Shutting down, acting distant, or speaking vaguely to create an air of mystery. This manipulates others into chasing them, pulling energy through curiosity and worry.
• The "poor me" - Uses guilt, complaining, and the victim position to make others feel responsible for their unhappiness. This drains energy by forcing others to offer sympathy or help.

When we feel disconnected from our source or center, we can get a boost of energy by taking someone else's.

In other words, we exert control on others because we have spent our energy worrying about something, then feel drained and disconnected, and then have such a void of energy to fill that we seek ways to get it back.

Which of course, is destructive, and unsustainable. But we don't realise we're doing it.

Whether through coercion (by bringing someone else into our dramas), or by trying to make uncontrollable external details controllable (my example of overworking because I was so concerned about numbers of attendees)...

We're lacking energy.

Which makes control a very addictive response.

If there is any one thing you take away from this email, let it be this, tattooed into your brain:

Whatever you're afraid of happening, is taking up your energy. Your mental energy to consider, your emotional energy to fear. Whatever anxieties or worries you have around something happening, will sap your energy. And it will do so, very, very effectively.

As energetic beings, when we feel like we're losing our energy, we feel like we're losing ourselves.

So unconsciously, we desire to get that energy back. And control gives us a sense of that energy.

It doesn't have to make perfect sense to your logical brain. You only have to understand that part of you desires as much energy as possible.

Your conscious or stated intention may be genuinely good: for example, I really did want the best possible event for everyone, and that really did require getting a good number of attendees in the room.

But was there an unconscious driving force that required I take control of something? Was that requirement because I had unconsciously burned energy being worried about something? Was that worry coming out of my own feeling of lack or some other fear?

Yes, yes, and yes.

Two seemingly conflicting things can be true at the same time.

And if the unconscious need for energy is present, then regardless of what else is true, we're coming from a place where we're willing to fight, steal, and hurt ourselves and others. A place of desperation, hungry for energy.

So barring immediate physical safety needs (such as getting someone out of the way of a moving vehicle, which is a necessary type of control), we must work to understand when we are making plays for energy.

For many people, it's their primary method (again, unconscious method) of receiving the energy they desire. Forgiveness of oneself, and others, is therefore incredibly important. Most people are not manipulating others out of malice.

But until we are willing to let go of control, and find other, more sustainable methods of building our energy and getting our energy back, then this unconscious pattern will continue to dictate our lives.

Where could you do with letting go a bit of control this week, Reader?

Sending lots of love,

Seven

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