Hey Reader,

Earlier this week I wrote a post titled "Why is it so hard to let go of control?"

And today I want to reflect on the opposite - what happens when we get used to letting go of control easily?

So as a recap, it's generally pretty challenging to let go of control because it can feel almost addicting to (try to) have control over everything. Control over what is happening, and control over others, can give us a semblance of stability, and gives us the illusion of gaining back the energy we have spent on anxiousness and worry.

It can be tough to overcome that, like it is with any addiction.

And because this week's theme in my life seems to be control, I want to reflect on the opposite: how addicting it can be to get into a habit of letting everything else be in control of you.

I'm currently sitting in the garden of the co-living space where I live. We're setting up a jam night - where people come onto the microphone to sing, hang out together, and just chill with music outdoors.

There's an interesting duality I've been observing.

On one hand, there is the desire to control everything during the setup phase. How many chairs and pillows? What music? Is there a specific lineup of performers?

On the other hand, there's a go-with-the-flow energy. Many people attending will just want to receive - which means there needs to be leadership so that everyone else can do it. And personally, it's temping to just say "Eh, people will figure themselves out" and not organise anything.

All lack of control requires someone else to have controlled something.

In other words, receiving requires something to be set up by those who exercised their willpower - "controlled" - something, to some extent.

Reflecting on my last article, I don't want to paint control as a bad thing. Those that speak with me learn quickly that, for the most part, I don't believe in "good" and "bad" - instead, I encourage us to consider what is most helpful and what is unhelpful in any given situation.

To be most helpful now, let me reframe "healthy control" by just calling it what it is: leadership.

We all have incredible leadership ability. I believe we all have a leader deep down - the invisible leader that I spoke about on this podcast last year and in my TEDx talk. They are our truest self, the person we're all evolving towards becoming. That version of us is why we go on the journey of self discovery in the first place. And I think we're all uncovering that person, deep down.

But that's a conversation for another day.

The point is that if we all have a leader within us, then we all have the ability to exercise healthy "control"; I would describe this as setting an intention, and then using our willpower and influence to execute upon that intention.

So what does harmony between "control" and "no control" look like?

Once you have done that work of leadings, letting go of control looks like allowing what will happen to happen.

You have done what you can. Now, can you be comfortable letting results be what they will?

This is particularly easy if you haven't done that work of setting an intention and executing upon it, or if for whatever reason you don't need to. (For example, showing up to someone else's birthday party, where you're probably just there to receive whatever is being offered.)

Shrugging your shoulders and saying "it is what it is" or "whatever is meant to happen will happen" is not necessarily wrong. Again, let's think about helpful and unhelpful: is that always a useful response?

That's what I call being "low agency". But having so little responsibility can become an easy pattern. It feels good to hang back.

And that ease is what can also be addicting.

I guess the best summary, across both this article and the last one, is this:

Taking no control, ever, can make life feel easy and breezy. So easy in fact, that the pattern can become addicting. So what happens when we need to make something happen?

The challenge is finding balance.

Leading, and allowing.

A constant dance. Dancing with others, and with the universe.

Here's a final example. The last couple of weeks, I've been getting a lot of good feedback about this newsletter. More people, kind words, and work have been coming through it than ever before.

I've been writing newsletters pretty consistently for about 4 years. But now, something has changed. These are my fully authentic thoughts, and while they have the throughline of confidence, self discovery, and emotional fitness - somewhat philosophical, somewhat practical, and always about our growth as people - they are are also my dedicated work.

They're created with intention, and willpower. And, I don't know what's going to happen after they're published.

Writing this is the leadership, and allowing the results is the flow.

Speaking of which, if you have been appreciating these, it would mean a lot to me if you could share this newsletter. You can forward this email, or send others this link.

And while I can't control what you can do, I can "control" myself (leadership) to share it with you, and go with the flow to allow whatever will happen as a result, to happen 😜

What about you Reader? How can you let go of a little more control, while also maintaining conscious leadership, in harmony?

Have a beautiful weekend,

Seven

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